Lately I’ve been reading a lot of blog posts that have been written in a Dear John kind of style. They’re usually part of a blogging challenge where the blogger is challenging herself to write a note to another mom or her former self, giving advice or encouragement.
One, in particular, written by The Humbled Homemaker entitled “Dear Mom of a Toddler and a Baby” struck a chord with me. I felt like I could have written that post, and I feel compelled to add my spin to the same story, although from a little different perspective.
I have three kids all born within the span of 4.5 years. My oldest was 2.5 when my second daughter was born, and my second was 22 months when my third came along.
I’m in a moms group of about 150 moms at all stages of early motherhood. Some have one, some have two, and some are considering three. Very few have four children.
I Don’t Know How YOU Do It?!!
When I run into moms of 1 or 2, I get the “look of panic.” The exasperated utterance of “I don’t know HOW you do it?!”
The first time I heard that I was confused. I’m looking at them going, “Man, I don’t envy you.” (I don’t actually say that, though). All the while they’re looking at me in awe. Funny how things look from the outside.
Compared to what I remember from the first year of my youngest child’s life, anything my kids throw at me these days is a walk in the park. Bad days these days don’t even register on the same scale as “bad days” from those times. My worst day is probably what I would have considered an overall good day back then.
Don’t get me wrong. Some days, I am at my wits end with the kids. If I’m tired for some reason, and two out of three act, say 60% bad, then that’s 120% worth of bad! Add a third one whining at me, and you’ve got one GRUMPY MAMA ready to bite the head off of the next person who looks at her sideways!! aghhhh!
This letter is dedicated to all the moms of three out there who had all three kids within 5 years and moms of two who are currently expecting their third child under the age of 5.
Dear Mom of a Preschooler, a Toddler, and a Baby
The first year of this experience is a whirlwind. It’s like you’re living in a circus. It’s shockingly chaotic.
There is nothing I’ve ever done that was more difficult than having three kids all age 4 and under. Except maybe being in the throes of full-blown morning sickness and having to take care of a sick toddler and carry another child around!
And I don’t even want to think about the week that I was 40.5 weeks pregnant with my son, having painfully strong Braxton-Hicks contractions/pre-term labor that wouldn’t progress while my husband was at work (and no family nearby) and it was all I could do to drive sobbing to drop off my older two at Right Time Kids for 2 hours so I could try to take a nap at 10 a.m. because I hadn’t hardly slept in 3 days. That was NO JOKE.
When I look back at pictures and videos from that time in my life (and I mean I HAVE to look at pictures because I don’t remember it!), it’s like I’m looking at a movie of someone else’s life. I don’t remember much from those days. In fact, I don’t remember anyone I met for about two years of my life.
What You’re Doing is HARD
You’re only one person. They are three little sweethearts all vying for your attention and love. You are outnumbered and the odds are stacked against you.
It’s hard to be you….
You can’t remember the last time you got to take a shower in peace. You may even have just taken a shower with the bathroom fan running just so you can’t hear your baby’s cries for a glorious 3 minutes.
You don’t remember the last time you got dressed up to go somewhere. Yoga pants and a tank top with your hair up in a ponytail is your #1 style.
You have to look at pictures of your friends with only one child living it up as a family of three at a *insert fun kid place like a pumpkin patch or zoo here* and you just wish you had a single piece of clean clothing without spit up stink on it.
You’re so scatterbrained you can only guarantee that one child out of three will arrive somewhere fully clothed with shoes on. And yesterday you put the baby’s bottle in the microwave for refrigeration overnight.
You’re probably exhausted mentally and physically…
When you’re changing the baby’s diaper while your crying toddler pulls on your leg and the oldest does something bad just out of arm’s reach.
When you are so tired you don’t know what day it is or the difference between today, tomorrow, and next week because all the days and nights run together.
Or not knowing if today is actually yesterday because I never actually went to sleep for any appreciable length of time between the two.
When you get in a fight with your husband because you throw a kid (or three) at him as soon as he walks in the door from work because you are at your wits end, but all he wants to do is relax, and you can’t understand one another’s plight.
And then you feel like the biggest tool in the world…
When you complain about having too many kids….to a woman you know who is trying to have kids and didn’t tell you she just had a miscarriage.
After you unwittingly lament about being 41 weeks pregnant to a woman whose child is blind because she was born at 25 weeks before her eyes fully developed.
And when you joke to a mom of 1 about how she has it easy only to find out that she adopted her one and only child after years of infertility treatments.
You know you shouldn’t have said those things to those women, but you were at your wits end and that was your way of getting out your frustration…just trying to commiserate.
Light at the End of the Tunnel
I promise you will make it through this time. And I know hearing that might not help you better deal with it right now. It surely didn’t help me! I can still hear the voices now of all those moms of older children who said “I remember those days,” and “It goes by so fast.” When I was pregnant & exhausted, I could have punched every one of them in the face!
I’m at the tail end of this season of life; I can see a glimpse of my former self emerging. I now have enough free (and rested) brain capacity and time to write this post at the moment…my husband took all three kids upstairs to bed on his own just now and I didn’t even feel like I was getting away with something because it’s just not that hard anymore.
The big secret that no one told me? You will cross some kind of magical threshhold when your youngest child turns 2 years old. Maybe it’s something about everyone being out of diapers or almost out of diapers or the fact that you don’t have to carry another person (or 2!) around on your hip at all times. In reality, I think it’s all the independence that comes instilled in a 2-year-old….more independence for them means more freedom for you!
It’s bittersweet but oh so needed. I don’t want my babies to grow up, but I do enjoy not having to do EVERYTHING for EVERYONE at ALL TIMES. Sometimes I just want to be me. It’s nice to get a glimpse of her again.
So, Mama of a Preschooler, a Toddler, and a Baby, you are not alone. I might not be experiencing exactly what you’re going through right now, but I’ve been in your shoes and I understand. I’m right here if you need to talk. Sometimes that’s all I wanted…someone to tell about my toughest days who wouldn’t judge me and would understand what I meant.
If you need to cry, go right ahead. I surely won’t judge you. I cried A LOT and that’s perfectly okay. {{{HUGS}}}
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Lisa/SyncopatedMama says
You used great examples in this post and I feel did a great job of pointing out how everyone we meet has their challenges!
Lena Gott says
Thanks, Lisa! Every mom has her own limitations…I’m finally realizing that not everyone’s threshhold is the same and I need to give grace to other moms because I don’t know what was going on in her home/car just before I showed up. 🙂
Clare says
I have my hands full with twins – it’s funny because my friends with one baby think I’m some kind of super mom – but I look at people with three kids and think they’re the super mom!
Lena Gott says
Tell me about it! One more than what you have looks hard! That’s how I look at moms of 4 🙂
Jennifer Corter says
This is so incredibly and beautifully written, right from the heart. I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing your heartfelt experience!
Lena Gott says
I’m glad you liked it, Jennifer! Nice to meet you. 🙂
Tami says
I have my days and I only have a toddler (and two teens to help). Motherhood is tough, but it’s worth it for sure!
Erlene says
I had my four kids all two years apart and to be honest, it was harder with just one. At least with two or more they have playmates and you are not the sole entertainer/focus of attention. So for me, I felt like I had it easier than someone with only one 🙂 I guess it just depends on the person.
Lena Gott says
Yes I definitely agree having two play together is easier than having one as they get older (plus you’re not so stressed about doing something wrong! LOL), but I guess our temperaments are different. Everyone I know with 4 is more laid back than me. 🙂
Heidi says
Hehehe had to smile at this post, nice! I have a 5, 4 and 1 yr old and grinned all the way through the first half, didnt get to read the second half {let’s be honest here} because Im so tired my brain is mush and my 20month has a longer attention span than me HAHAHA. Nice post!
Lena Gott says
hahaha Heidi! I think it took me many days to piece this post together! I think I need to read some of your blog posts on positive parenting when I’m in a funk. 🙂
Jamie Borneman says
I cannot tell you how relieved I was to read your article. I am a mother of a recently turned 4 year old, a recently turned 3 year old, a 20 month old and a now 1 month old, 3 girls and 1 boy. I am all too familiar with the 3 kids under 4 routine. My husband works 2nd shift and I stay home. I have the weight of all afternoon activities, dinner, baths and bedtime completely on my shoulders. Some days are wonderful and I truly feel so blessed to have 4 healthy babies and some days things are quite the opposite. I feel like I mostly just live in survival mode. It’s like if a person lives in the wild they always have his/her guard up and can never truly relax for fear that the next thing is usually just minutes away from happening. As soon as 1 kid stops crying, the next one begins. Or as soon as all the dishes are done, it is suddenly lunch time and the sink somehow refills itself.
I love my family and I love being a mom, but it is truly nice to hear that just maybe someone else is going through a similar situation and can understand if I “just need a moment.” I feel as if there is some kind of double edge sword that plagues us mothers. People say “motherhood is an act of selfless behavior” and that you have to give up yourself for your children. And yet at the same time we hear “don’t forget about yourself. Make time for your needs so you can take care of everyone else.” I feel like in order to care for myself I would have to neglect someone else. So who should that be? One of the kids or my husband? There is no room right now for me to care for one more thing. Motherhood is tricky and very much a balancing act all the way from the never ending grocery bags and toddlers who want to help, to a baby on one hip and a laundry basket on the other.
The one thing that I now know for sure is that I am much stronger than I ever realized and that I am able to live in this world with a lot less than I ever imagined I could.
I am glad I was able to read your article, it made me feel like there is hope in the future that things will get easier. Thank you!
Lena Gott says
I am so glad to hear you were encouraged by my post, Jamie! I wrote I was beyond overwhelmed and now that my youngest is 3.5, I feel like that time was worlds away. It’s amazing how much changes so quickly. Now I’m starting to see why older mothers looked at me and told me to hold on…I wish I had my little tiny babies back some days. But then other days I’m so glad I don’t have to change any diapers! Let’s keep it real here. 🙂
Glenda says
This is a very well written heartfelt piece that I have enjoyed very much. I am now a grandparent but I remember the days when I had 3 under 5. Indeed those days did fly by. It is a difficult thing to stay at home with 3 small children but it is oh so worth it. I was able to watch and be fully involved as they grew out of their baby stages. A lot of mothers don’t get to do that.I don’t think that I could have done that and blog too. If I were wearing a hat, it would be off in honor of you. Thanks for the memories.
Lena Gott says
Thank you, Glenda. I took off a lot of time from blogging intermittently when they were really little and didn’t pick it back up seriously until my littlest was 3. I don’t think I could have done it seriously until that point.
Kristie @ Girl Mom Chaos says
This year, my oldest went off to kindergarten at 4 (She turned 5 the second week of school) but this was me last year. I had two in preschool and a baby — all three girls. Now, 5, 3.5, and 10 months.
My response to the, “I don’t know how you do it,” statement/question is “What choice do I have? I have to do it because all of these little people are depending on me!”
Lena Gott says
That’s a good one, Kristie!
Renee says
I love this!! 🙂 My 4 kiddos were born in 5 years (EEK! do that math..!! haha) I’m with you, girl. It’s hard. And beautiful. And messy. And chaotic. And I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Maybe I should write the… “dear mom of a kindergartener, preschooler, toddler, and baby” post hahaha but I’m not sure very many people would be able to relate. Most people have better decision making skills than us when it comes to that moment of feeling totally maxed out at 3 and wondering if you should have just one more less than 2 years apart. ha! 🙂 Anyway, thanks for writing this.
Lena Gott says
hahaha Have you been over to Rachel’s blog, A Mother Far from Home? You’ll really relate to her as well! 🙂